I feel like trying to give you a backstory part 2 at this point is just tactless - at least for how I'm feeling so that'll have to wait. For now I just want to write. About anything. Writing makes me happy. I was thinking tonight about the many times I've said to myself 'How can I be happier?' A list follows: 'I'd practice more yoga, I'd be more in-shape--exercising every day, I'd be eating healthier, I'd be have a general sense of well-being, I'd be loosing myself in my art, I'd be taking pictures, I'd be writing in my blog...' Well walking in my sijang (market) tonight (oh yah, I'm in Seoul, btw) I had pretty much had enough of it and came to the realization that I'm really the only one preventing myself from doing any of this. I mean, when I'm in Richmond Hill, living with my family--I can just blame all my problems on them, right? "OH I wish my mom would..." "Ah I can't do this and this because my dad would...!" "Living in Richmond Hill sucks because I can't do..." But now I'm in Seoul. I'm living the dream right? I should be waking up every morning with a huge grin on my face; so excited about the fact that I'm even here.
It's not always the case.
More often than not, I wake up with a groan. I'm not excited to wake up (at least Mon-Fri). I'm not coming here to do what I thought I would be doing...
And one day, I was sitting in the office at my school (oh yeah I'm teaching English. I should really write that backstory pt. 2) and thinking 'ahh I can't wait to get outta here and head over to Melbourne' (my next destination). 'That's when I'll be happy. That's when I'll get to do the things that I really want to do.' And then I thought 'Hold on a minute. Isn't that exactly what I said about Asia from Richmond Hill? Wasn't it here that I was going to find my happiness? Find that person who was SO excited about life and possibility, meeting new people, exploring new places, eager, with an undying thirst for knowledge--who I somehow lost between my 20th and 21st years?' 'Wasn't that ALL supposed to happen HERE?!' The thought of it all saddens me even more. That I haven't found that. That really, getting in a plane and just changing your surroundings is not really the answer...
Now if I walked away from that feeling of hopelessness having learned nothing that'd be a shame, right? So what I did walk away with an understanding that, sure I can choose to be happier in Melbourne. Or at location X, Y and Z... and maybe I will be! But those places, more specifically my visiting them, will inevitably come to an end. And then I'll be back at where I started. Lamenting over the fact that I'm back to my 'boring life in Richmond F*#$^ing Hill.' I learned that that happiness starts from you, not next year or month or tomorrow for that matter. Right now. I can choose to hate my job or like it. I can focus on the good or the bad. It's all my decision, my reality.
And yet, nights like tonight happen. When I just have this overbearing sadness. I think it's natural when you feel alone. I could surround myself with throngs of friends, and yet feel incredibly lonely tonight. And so 'fuck it,' I thought, I'll write. And here I am. And it is helping. But I'm not really sure what I wanted out of it. I didn't really expect it to make me feel better. It's just been a goal of mine to write here more often. Start it up... again. I feel it's important to document this journey...
I've thought a lot about documenting things. I've though a lot about documenting things in a few ways but the most blazingly clear one is whether I'm feeding this story of my life that we all seem to create. This sense of "me" and maybe these pictures might give me some more sense of existing; of being real. I've thought the same about this blog and 'why really am I writing in it?' Is it just to look back and remember? Is because I want to give meaning to something that is inherently meaningless (our lives). Is it because, even worse, I want to become attached to my stories here? Which really are all just that. Things happen to me and then they pass--and so why do I feel the need to record them? What purpose does it serve? They're over. You know? This all goes on. Every time I think of taking a picture (which I have only done about 20 times in the more-than 2 months that I've been here. Or think of writing in this online journal.
And yet, I feel it's important to document this journey. It's too busy up there, especially since I've stopped practicing yoga (heart crumbles). And if putting a bit of all of that noise out here on the internet means a bit of a respite, then perhaps you'll be hearing more from me...
I hope to visit here tomorrow. I would love to visit here on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday for that matter. I'm not going to promise you or me that I will--but I hope to. For now I go to bed a little lighter, with a cathartic release, and a sense of stillness and peace. For now, I say goodbye.
Oh yeah! And mom, I love you so much. I think of you all the time, but just because it's today, I'll state it publicly. You drive me crazy but I would never trade you for any one in the world. Your love, happiness, excitement, undying support, strength, and yes, your craziness, anger, frustration, tears... it's all shaped me into the man I've become and I thank you everyday for how we've grown together. All the best to you! Know that you are loved and missed from the other side of the world!
David
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